Trying to keep up with blogging

Recently it has occurred to me I have not been going to school all that often. In my absence from class I have decided to try and keep up with my blog however I can not come to terms with anything important to write. Hmmm, I got a new lap top which I love but thats nothing to write about. The stresses of grad maybe? The stress of university and their overwhelming e-mails? They e-mail every bloody day. You'd think that they'd want you contacting them, trust me it's not that way at all. I guess they feel threatened because there are so many universities out there and they would like your money but sending you e-mail after e-mail after e-mail makes things a little daunting, don't you think? I swear I have gotten the same e-mail maybe three times from Uvic saying that they're doing a registration seminar downtown and I should go. I really didn't want to go because registering for courses is not all that difficult though they still proceeded to e-mail multiple times. They also call out to your house or on your cell phone at the worst possible time to ask if you have any questions about school next year. On the other hand this sense of wanting the university provides to you may be seen as a good thing, something to make you more comfortable with your transition from high school to university. Nevertheless, with me this is not the case. I really enjoy the idea of going to university but the constant pestering kind of turns me off.

Transitions

Being someone who has never really liked everything staying the same, leaving highshool and entering into a new chapter of my life does not only bring me joy and happiness but, also a sense of well being and maturity. Throughout my years at Elgin, I had some bad times and some good. Mostly good. I am excited to start off my next chapter in Victoria (UVIC) making my way to Montreal (Mc Gill) where I'll be living in the place I belong, the place I've always wanted to live in with the rest of my family and friends. Change doesn't scare me because we all know it is inevitable. What brings me fear is not knowing the outcome of my next few years however; at the same time I am now filled with excitement knowing that what lies ahead is not only going to shape who I am for the rest of my life but at the same time allow me to meet new people and make new connections. That is what life is for, change, beginning, and ending. We can't all stay the same so why try? 

That's interesting

Sitting at my window pane all I have to look at is the rain.


There is nothing interesting about sitting at a window pane but, looking outside at the rain, 
watching every drop crash against the unforgiving pavement. 


Thats interesting.


As I sit at my window and watch the rain plummet towards its death somehow, that amuses me. 


Thats interesting.

What do I want?

What to do? Where to go?
What do I do?
What should I do?
What are the things that make me me happy?
What are the things that make you happy?
Wait do I live for you, or do I live for me?




I ask myself what I want though what I want wont bring me any revenue. I ask you what you want, what you want for me and everything you say puts me in the highest regard with a lot of revenue coming in.
I wonder what I should do to make myself happy, I ask what you want me to do to make you happy.

I guess it'd be different if I were different, if I didn't want to live for what you had set out for me, if I had the guts to stand up to you and tell you what I really want but, I don't. I don't know what I want, I don't have the guts, I don't I don't I don't. That's all I can really come up with when I think of possible answers to my questions, I don't and I can't.. I want to but I can't, but, I will.....

Work

Recently I've realized that hard work really doesn't pay off. Working all day and sleeping for what one could say pretty much all night really takes away from the special things life has to offer. So really, when someone says hard work pays off, it really doesn't, yeah sure in the long run you'll make more money or go further in your schooling but how many people who actually work really hard take the time to "smell the roses" one could say. What kind of hard working person would walk down the street taking in the outdoors for all the beauty it has to offer. Most hard working people I know are just looking for the next thing to get to work on, the next thing to spend extraneous amounts of time on. Well, actually I guess there are two types of "hardworking" people in this world but in the end they're all the same. Working hard is good  but only to a certain point. There is a fine line between working hard and hard working. When someone is being described to you would you rather them be described as working hard, working when the time permits allowing for other things to intervene in their lives making them a well-rounded person or hard working, working till the point their hands fall off and their brains turn to mush until they can't do anything else. Therefore, leaving them with nothing? I'd prefer to be described as working hard, work when the time comes and play when the time permits to play but, hey that's just me

I am.....

I am the wings to freedom, each little feathery piece so frail and delicate.
I transport from one place to another free-flying across the clear blue sky.
I am what gives freedom,  the thing that gives the opportunity to be open-minded.
I am the thing that lets you mold yourself.
I am your destiny.
I am a bird.

Take the Time to Pretend.

 I don't wanna be someone who I am not. It goes against who I am entirely,  for you I will take that leap into the abyss and become who you'd like me to be forever more. Can I be that painting you see on the wall? The picture perfect girl. The one without flaws and does whatever you'd like her to? I could try. Would you let me? For one day, pretend I am her. That girl on the wall. Waiting to burst out of the cage that molds her. The cage  that binds her to you. She wants out of it only so that she can wrap her arms around you and tell you everything is alright. With her arms tightly wrapped around your waist she would say "darlin' I ain't going anywhere."

Regret

The heavy weight of regret began tugging at me, finally pulling me down  to the ground. Each step became harder then it should have been. Walking slowly I began to drag my feet. Slowly, slowly the world started coming down on me. Crushing me with every breath it took. I looked around, there was nothing to be seen. Everything was black there was no colour in the world; however I was happy with this. The lack of expression didn't phase me whatsoever. As I placed my hands ever so gently on the ground feeling around with every movement I took. Each breath became more shallow and each motion more frantic. My morning escapade turned into a morning nightmare. I decided to sit and become present with what was occurring. This thought to be full made everything all the better, turning my morning nightmare into my afternoon dream, my regret was rapidly pushed aside and then forgotten. Thanks to Saturday I no longer believe in the idea of regret. Life is not meant to be thought of, on the contraire it is meant to be lived and forever longed for. I long for the day this all becomes real, the day everyone decides to be fully present and aware of where they are. 

It was sugggested to me by a friend that this song "fits pretty well" 

So... here ya go: 

 

Frustration

       The key to dealing with frustration is by removing the problem. What if you can't? The most difficult thing is dealing with something that you can not stand to deal with at all. Even though you try, try really hard to alleviate yourself from the  anguish the frustration causes you and try and see the positive in it you still can't. That in itself makes the problem even more frustrating! The fact that you try to make yourself see the positive without being able to see it is frustrating and makes you question wether or not you're being superficial or if you actually have a legitimate reason not to see the positive at all. In this case I believe a small dose of The National and a little bit of tea can help you cover up your frustration for a short while, until the next day when you have to face that all over frustration again... 

Wandering

Wandering slowly with nothing to do

that my dear is when I really think of you

It is when I am alone my thoughts are most pure

It is when I am alone that you are most dear

It means a lot to think of you 

I wonder if you think of me too? 

Do you sit in the cold of the night 

thinking of me without fright?

Is it me you call to wipe away your tears

And  is it me you call to throw away your deepest darkest fears? 

*****

You make laugh, you make me smile 

I hope this feeling lasts for a long while

Crows

   Have  you ever looked at a crow? Not just at a glance but really looked at one; the way their legs are angled somehow forming a foot at the bottom and how every feather no matter how small falls into place. Driving home from school, looking out my car window I saw a crow but I didn't just look away this time like I normally would. I actually took the time to examine this crow down to the most minute of details. Now, I asked myself why this crow considering most mean nothing to me and rarely catch my eye since they are such a common thing; however this one, this one caught my eye. It was so black and mischievous, its eyes seemed as if they were hollow as if they were hiding something in their darkness. Thinking like this made me recall the word reincarnation and maybe this crow was a reincarnated person hiding their past in the hollow black eyes of the creature. I hope another crow catches my eye again one day and maybe it'll be same one. Even though I'll probably never know but the thought of a reincarnated being catching my eye sounds pretty cool. 

The Vultures

         Isolated from societal opinions, it is in the woods I walk. This is where I find myself wandering without a purpose, my journal firmly squeezed in my cold bare hands. The sun begins to split through the trees and the outdoor air fills my lungs with freshness and rebirth.The further I walk into the woods the more I feel a victim to inspiration. As an idea comes to mind the lid from my pen begins to slide off. Releasing the the journal from the death grip my hands have provided, as to not drop my it I slowly begin to sit down on the cool forest floor. Bending my knees and, placing my hands on the ground first I feel the dirt move between my fingers. With my pen free and my journal open in my hand I frantically began to write. Sometimes, sadly inspiartion comes and goes faster then my pen can scratch, and then I am left in the woods wandering alone with nothing to do; however today, in the woods this is not the case. The faster my pen scratches at the page the more open my mind becomes. Looking up it seems as if the the trees have created a blanket making me believe I am in a different world. Even more isolated then I was before. My mind is focused like a tiger when its ready to pounce on it's prey. The more I write the faster time goes by and in the end the pages of my journal begin to burst with colourful words popping out in every sentance. Satisfied with the events that transpired in my journal I place my pen back into it's cage, slowly I begin to close my journal hiding it from the opininated elements. Getting up, dusting off my black tights I begin to walk, again with my hands providing a death grip for my journal. The closer I get to the outskirts of the forest the more I begin to feel extremely vulnerable to the opinionated vultures that lurk above. As I exit the forest I have nothing to cover me over head, and walking down the street it is sad to see that the lurking vultures begin to dive down and peck at my journal for all it has to offer.

What is fate?

What is fate?
 According to google fate is destiny: an event (or a course of events) that will inevitably happen in the future. 
Is it true then that one can control the outcome of their own fate? If something is inevitable its bound to happen; There is not any one way you can alter the outcome of something inevitable. How is it then that one can determine their own fate? Many people believe in fate but, they believe that they can change their fate; If you believe in fate entirely why try and alter it (especially if it can not be altered in the first place)? Also, if you whole heartedly believe in fate why try? In the end you're going to become what "fate" had prescribed to you. 


I'm not saying I don't believe in fate. There are instances where I, myself, use the word fate loosely while still believing in it. I believe everything in life happens for a reason. That, one day, everything will all make sense and come together even though I never planned it to. Hence, fate. However, I believe that fate should not be labeled as the inevitable outcome yet, as an unplanned ending to something wonderful, you can alter it and twist it in many ways to make it work for you. 

Blogging, its a first.

As a new "blogger" I found it fit that I "blog" about being new to "blogging". This is not a personal choice to start a blog, yet an assignment given to me.  Hopefully I come to embrace this experience whole heartedly. Nevertheless blogging is not something I would of thought of doing but having just started I can see myself having tones of fun with this and hopefully everyone will too! To make my blog my own I decided to add a piece of music to each entry I add. Right now I am listening to Bon Iver Skinny Love: